What should I do?

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 07:08:16 GMT

I'm getting a little nervous.

I went out with Jamiir tonight. I had a show at eight, which went pretty well I think, and then he asked me to his place for dinner. I probably could have waited around for some much more satisfying offers, but I was really hungry. And I wanted to get out of there tonight. I felt stifled.

So he brought me home and made me a fairly mediocre dinner. But, that's what I get for settling for mediocre company. He poured some wine for both of us and held onto my glass. He asked me if I'd do a private dance for him. Now, Jamiir may be one of the more unpleasant of the barely passable teenaged boys around here, but he's harmless. Or, so I thought. And he had tipped me quite nicely earlier. And made me dinner, even if it wasn't that good. So I danced for him, and sipped wine.

He asked me to dance again. And I like attention, and I love... er... entertaining. So I obliged. This time he wasn't so keen on me stopping. He pulled me into him and smiled almost menacingly. So I backed away and told him I'd better be getting home. And that's when he got angry. He told me that it'd taken him months to finally get me to go home with him and now I wanted to leave. Well, what was he expecting? Me to sleep with him? Ha! Only when that's what I want, and clearly, I didn't, really. So I tried to leave and he grabbed my arm. He told me that I was going to give him everything I was willing to flaunt around every other not-nearly-as-deserving boy around.

It was odd, but I really wasn't used to this kind of aggression from him. And, in another less invasive situation, I may have been persuaded to stay. At least for an hour. But not with his attitude.

But, he did get me going enough to set his kitchen on fire and bolt out while he was distracted with the not getting burned.

...

This is not the first time this week something like this has happened.

I mean, I'm used to the dreamy boys and girls following me around. The gifts and wining and dining every night. the seranades outside my window. And the occassional fist fight over who's more deserving to have me for the evening. But in the end, I'm also used to getting final choice. And lord knows I've used that to my advantage. And maybe that's what scares me most of all. I mean, I'm perfectly capable of fending for myself against morons like Jamiir. But it's myself I fear sometimes. I'm seeing two, three girls a night now, and that's not counting the paying companions.

And I love it. But maybe too much. I just get such a rush from embracing. Sometimes I'd rather just constantly give and give just so I can keep feeling. And certainly no ones complaning. Except maybe my father. I think I've been keeping him up. We really need to sound proof or something.

I'm just worried about my reputation. I'm a well respected, up-standing citizen; and very good at what I do. But I'm getting sloppy. Going out with boys like Jamiir. Letting boys like him follow me around. I'm losing my edge. Anything to get a little channeling in before bed. I think it may be a problem. And I don't want to lose my respect. But I'm not particularly keen on stopping either. I just need to regain my compose. Get back some of that restraint; start allowing myself to be picky again. I mean, if I lose all of my mystery, I lose part of my appeal.

Maybe some time away. I hate to leave daddy all alone, but he's the only real tie I have here anymore.

I just don't know where I'd possibly go.

Inara's Journal

What should I do?